#135 You Ask, We Answer - 16


March 27th, 2019

57 mins 35 secs

Your Hosts

About this Episode

1 voicemail and 3 emails will get you through this month’s YAWA! You ask, We answer. Also, we both suck at Irish accents, but at least Michelle gave it a whirl!

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Big Takeaways
Question #1, is a Voicemail - “Guest Count due early! And is it too small of a wedding?"
Ask: The guest count is due a month out at the venue, but the RSVPs are barely due back by then. We may have a procrastinator bride on our hands! (Admittedly.) How to navigate? And is this listener’s wedding going to be awkwardly small?

Answer: We agree with each other on this one: a month out is early for a guest count deadline! We think you can call the venue on the deadline and let them know that you are working on it, if need be. We also think that you need to call some guests that you haven’t heard from and just ask if they think they can make it or not. No shame in that game! If they say no consider promptly inviting someone else (B list?).
There are pros to having a small wedding! Don’t worry too much - it’s quality over quantity!

Question #2, Email - “Dress Regret”
Ask: My fiance and I went and got wedding dresses a while back (yes, together). It was great, and we both ended up getting dresses right on that day (without going to other stores). I actually got the first dress I tried on, and I absolutely love it. Her dress is beautiful as well. In store, she loved it. We get home, and she's very upset. She's nervous it is way too sexy. It has a low cut, and she is worried about what people will think. She has a bigger chest than the women who model the dress, and so yes... Her boobs are on display. We went to our lady to get our first fitting done last night, and our tailor showed her that the dress didn't fit exactly how it should. When she pinned it how it should be, it wasn't AS sexy. Her cleavage is still there... But not as much as it was previously. But she's still big time on the fence about it. She loves the dress, just not sure about the boob part. We tried a few different things to make it less revealing... But she didn't like any of it (neither did we). She wants to go look at other dresses so we can exchange if something different catches her eye. Is there any way to make her feel more comfortable if she chooses to stick with the "sexy" dress? I'm not really sure what I should do here.

Answer: The back and forth sucks! We think she should go return the dress and take her time to find a dress that she loves and feels confident in. I personally know that confidence counts for A LOT on your wedding day. You want to feel beautiful and comfortable and be so confident in what you are wearing that you don't even think about it. No matter what she does with this first dress, she doesn't love it and she isn't going to be able to stop worrying about it and thinking about it on the wedding day - which is not what you want her mind to be on and it's not the best case scenario for really enjoying the wedding day for her. I suggest you support her and listen to her and even though you are complimenting her telling her that she looks beautiful and you love her in the dress, she is feeling pressured. The important thing to tell her is that you truly want her to be happy and you support whatever she decides. Ask her if she wants to go look at other dresses without you - or if she prefers you to go along. And reiterate that you will happily do whatever she wants to help make this process easy and enjoyable for her.

Question #3, Email - “Parents helping pay and making decisions...”
Ask: My parents are wonderful but live about 4 hours away and as the oldest daughter/granddaughter on both sides of my family, mine and my fiance's wedding is something that they are very much looking forward to. Since we've started the planning process, I feel like I have been struggling to figure out exactly what it is I want since my parents have very big opinions and have no reservations about voicing them. (One example was when they saw how many of our friends were on the guest list my mother's response was "friends don't bring the big envelopes for gifts").

My fiance and I are very simple people and want a traditional wedding with our own personal style reflected (and we are still trying to figure that out). That being said, my parents are contributing to the wedding and so I feel like if there is something we don't have as strong of an opinion on, I kind of defer to them since they seem to care so much. Meanwhile, my fiance wants me to stand up for what I want (and I want to do that too!) but it's hard to do when we don't really know what it is that we want.

Answer: As far as figuring out how you want your wedding to go...I suggest you and your partner think about and talk about how you want the day to be...how you want to feel during the day, what you want to be able to look at in your photo album years later and fondly reminisce. Think about other weddings you've been to that were really fun and memorable. It's usually not about the gorgeous flowers or the killer band. It's about the personal touches that made everyone there feel like they were part of a special day - a special event. It's a big thing you are doing together - you're starting the part of life where you journey together, it's a deliberate decision you are making. You are inviting all your loved ones to be a part of that decision for you - to witness it and to support you on your wedding day and in your marriage. So don't stress out about the dozens of decisions you have to make...always come back to you TWO. Thinking about songs - just make sure all your favorites are there, don't over-think it. Create a day that you can truly enjoy.

That being said, it's not just a day for you two it is also a big day for your parents. Since they are footing some of the bill, I appreciate your impulse to just let them make some decisions that you don't really prioritize. Only do this though if you can truly LET GO when you give them the power to make decisions. Choose not to micro-manage because you'll drive yourself crazy. Put your foot down about stuff you really care about (or that your partner really cares about) and let go of the other stuff.

I think the main way that parents 'get the way' when they are paying is with the guestlist. I don't think you should nix anyone from YOUR list, but they will get to invite who they want to because they are paying. Also I think it's nice to give some accommodations for the ceremony part - maybe with who is involved in the processional, has reserved seating, does a reading...things like that are really important to parents because they want to be seen on the wedding day too.

Question #4, Email - “Cash registry wording”
Ask: My fiancé and I have lived together for over a year and we have everything we need at home already, and quite frankly, neither of us want to deal with the clutter of storing more stuff. We have decided it would be a lot more meaningful for us to take a long, extended honeymoon traveling Europe for a few weeks and would like to only have a cash registry to help fund that trip. Personally I feel like being upfront and transparent with our guests about the intention for the fund is best, but my fiancé feels that it may seem greedy to have a registry for something “unnecessary” like an extended honeymoon to Europe. He would rather have a cash registry titled something along the lines of “life together” fund and be a bit more vague.
What are your thoughts on this? Any suggestions or past experiences you could offer? We’re using Zola, which as you know, is incredible and so easy to navigate.

Answer: I agree with your fiancé on this one that it would be best to be more general about what you want the money for. With Zola, register for just a few things that you know you can use for the honeymoon - luggage? Airline gifts or miles? And then do the rest as a cash fund on Zola. On your wedding website - if you are doing one - you can go into more detail for the guests that are curious about it. You can say - "We decided to have a cash fund registry so that we can save money for our honeymoon and start our life together as a married couple" You don't have to name the fund anywhere. Guests will understand once they see it if they go to the Zola site to see your registry - and if they've gotten that far, then they WANT to buy you a gift and a cash fund through Zola is just as easy and appropriate as purchasing a gift of the site. You're not being sneaky, it's still transparent, but it doesn't explicitly commit to spending the money on a honeymoon over other newlywed necessities.

Links we referenced

“Michelle tells me I’m good at things so that I’ll do them. It’s true! I need verbal affirmations and she gives them to me.” - Christy, on the nature of the relationship

“Just imagine that for every hour of the podcast that you hear, there has been no fewer than 100 texts between us. Not necessarily about the show.” - Christy, on communicating with Michelle. It’s a lot, y’all!

“It’s all about you! It’s all about you listeners. The You Ask, We Answer episodes are ALL ABOUT YOU, BABY.” - Michelle, with the mission statement for YAWA eps

“We read the reviews. We read them when we need to...when we’re having a bad day. You guys are fantastic for taking the time and if you haven’t done one and you’re able to, please do. It helps to lift our spirits and makes us love you even more and it also helps us get the word out to others and to grow our audience and we need that!” - Michelle, on iTunes reviews

“A wedding is only as much fun as the two people getting married so be prepared to have a fucking great time and all your guests will too.” - Christy, advice that covers everything!

“How lovely that your fiance is looking out for you and how lovely that your dad wants to spend time with you and you are just wrapped up in all this love and sometimes it can cause conflict.” - Michelle on conflict resolution gratitude

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