#97 You Ask, We Answer - 8

July 25th, 2018 · 49 mins 39 secs

About this Episode

YAWA time! You ask, we answer. We’re tackling a few questions this week! Keep ‘em coming, yall! And don’t forget to leave us a review on iTunes as well. We appreciate you!

Big Takeaways
Christy has mono. Michelle has an endless supply of optimistic energy. Welcome!
In summary:

1 Email “I want to taste the food before I book the venue!”

Ask: At what point can we taste the food and does it have to be after we've decided on the venue? As we are starting to look at venues and pare down based on pricing, as food lovers, we want to make sure that we don't go for one venue over the next because it's more affordable, but then the reason it is more affordable turns out to be that the food is not as up to par.

Answer: As far as the tasting goes - most venues (like hotels) do make you sign the contract and pay the deposit before you taste the food. This is because they want to book out the date way in advance, and the tasting is usually much later. Some clients don't love this system, though, because they want to know what the food tastes like before they commit to the venue! Understandable. Often, venues will offer open houses for this, although you may not taste exactly what you would put on a wedding menu - you can still get a pretty good idea of what the venue offers, and their general presentation style. Or, you can inquire about doing a paid tasting, before you book the venue. This is something that some venues/caterers offer -- basically, you pick a few things to try and you pay like you would if you go out to dinner. It's a little pricey, but worth thinking about if the food is very important to you. And it sounds like it is! Do your research too - look at their reviews and see if you can get referrals to talk to other couples that have recently been married there - then you can ask them what they thought about the food.
Keep in mind that the official tasting for your wedding menu will be about a month or two before the wedding - they want you to taste what's in season and to work with the chef that you will be working with on your wedding day.

2 Email “Absentee Dad Issues”

Ask: Will I regret not inviting my father? My mom is my best friend. She loathes my father, but she also thinks that I may regret not inviting him. So. What do I do? Invite him and hope for the best, while anticipating the worst? (The best being he shows up, behaves, and goes through the motions with me. The worst being he shows up and ruins the day.) Or do I just... not invite this person who I have a history of a toxic relationship with and maybe regret it?

Answer: The good news is, you have people that love you and seem to understand the incredibly difficult position you are in. Here's my advice - a way you can maybe come to the decision through a different way of thinking about it. Imagine it's a year after your wedding, May 2020. You are looking through your wedding album and sort of re-living the big day. Imagine seeing photos of your dad in the album...how do you think that will make you feel. What would the circumstances be...the first that come to mind? Now imagine your dad being completely absent from the album...you're flipping through photos of you and your husband, of you hugging your mom, of you maybe walking down the aisle alone... How does this make you feel? Are you happy in the photos? Does it make you happy to look back on the wedding day?

Know this - a person is not defined by one day. If you invite your dad and he shows up...you are going to get your dad. He isn't going to change just because it's your wedding day. I am not sure it's possible to invite him and then just go forward knowing he may not even come and then being perfectly ok with that...is it? Are you that unattached and flexible? And if he does show up and it's the best case scenario that you outlined in your email...does it resonate with you and feel authentic, or does it feel a little fake and shallow?

It's your wedding, this decision is yours and there will be consequences either way... Implore your mom and your fiancé to give you a little space and to respect the decision you make, and ask that they help support you on the wedding day. Remember to be grateful for all the non-toxic people you have in your life.

3 Email “2 Quick Questions”

Ask: I want my fiance to wear a nice black and white tux instead of wearing the same colors as the groomsmen. My questions is, if my fiance wears a black and white tux, will it seem like he doesn't fit with the groomsmen? AND How do I let people know what our wedding registry is and where to find it at? We aren't having a wedding website. I was thinking to put it on the invitation but I don't want to seem like I'm only inviting them to get gifts.

Answer: We're all for the groom standing out! And we love a classic black and white tux. It's totally appropriate for the groom to wear something different from the groomsmen, but just try to coordinate and stay within the same range, stylistically. Different color or pattern bow tie and pocket square? How about all the grooms in black and white tuxes and the groom in a white dinner jacket?? (We LOVE a white dinner jacket.) Match formality: the groomsmen can't be in khaki pants if the groom is in a tux. Nice dark navy suits though? Perfect!

  1. If you aren't having a wedding website, do include an insert about your registry in the invitation suite. And make sure that your moms have the links to the actual registry sites and they can help anyone that asks about it. Guests want to know this information! It’s not awkward, we promise. Just make sure the insert isn’t as big as the actual invitation.

4 Email “How to communicate a ‘semi-kids’ wedding?”

(4 emails this week?! Yes, that’s right. We love you!)

Ask: I am having a semi kids wedding. I have two kids myself, and we are allowing family who is out of state to bring their children to our wedding. My mother always said that was etiquette but I am not sure about that. How do I word this on my invitation for my in state family that has kids, so they are aware that they aren’t invited. I don’t want to say ‘No Kids’ in some and then kids on the other. Any advise on how to handle?

Answer: As always - we think you should do what you want on your wedding day. But know there may be consequences! And that’s ok! Try not to worry a lot about what other people think...lay down the ‘law’ and then just stick to it and move on. People will figure it out! Couple of hints - include exact full names on the invitations you send out. If you’re sending an invitation to a family of four and you want them all to come - include all the names or the wording “Smith Family” - and don’t do that when you are just inviting the parents, and not the kids. Also, get your moms and aunts to help spread the word and enforce the rule. Get some babysitters on the hook to help with your guests that have to travel with their kids, but make other plans for them since they aren’t invited to the wedding. It is possible to do a wedding like this - Michelle and Christy both did for their own weddings! But some people will definitely push back, and some people might not ‘let it go’ after the wedding. Pick your battles!

Links we referenced
www.zola.com/bigwedding

*Quotes *
“I’ll be the upper and you can be the downer.” - Michelle, to Christy

“I’m recording a podcast. Everyone is dead.” - Christy, on interruptions

“Yes - Paid tasting. I think it’s totally worth it as opposed to a group tasting. And that should not come out of your wedding budget - it should be a date night!” - Michelle, on catering tastings. Bring your wedding planner for a nice three-some date night!

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